作者：林巍
【原文】
开始写作
[1] 我开始写小说，是在进了女师的第二年，那时刚满十五岁。[2] 有一天，我和两位小学时代的同学，去一个同乡家里吃饭，主人刚刚买了一个十三岁的丫头来，那女孩长得面黄肌瘦，身材短小，满脸现着泪痕；倒是一双乌溜溜的大眼睛，非常惹人怜爱。[3]女主人是一位师长太太，她命令女孩走路给我们看，并请我们批评她的一举一动的姿势，是否合于一个师长公馆用的丫头。[4] 那两位同学真的将视线集中在女孩的身上；可是我的眼里却正燃烧着不平的火焰！我恨那位女主人太不人道了，简直把人当做畜生看，我当时气得饭也吃不下，借故回到学校，立刻写了一篇《刹那的印象》。
【点评】
就格式而言，尽管已多次提醒，但仍有很多不按要求做的，故只能视其为废稿，没有成绩。
本文节选自著名现代作家谢冰莹的一篇回忆文章，虽寥寥几笔，但形象生动，有真情实感。
关于题目 —“开始写作”，参赛者大都译成了 Begin Writing/Started Writing / The Beginning of My Writing Journey / Initiate of writing 等，其实这里讲了一个小故事，说明作者自己是如何开始写作的，故不妨译为：How I Start to Write。
[1] 中，“女师”指的是女子师范学校，似可译成Union Normal School for Women、the Women's Normal school、Women Teacher’s Training School 等，但更为通俗的，可为the Female Teachers School。但在行文中，有的译得过于“零碎”，如I started writing novels, and I was in the second year of entering the female teacher, when I was just fifteen years old. / I was just fifteen years old when I decided to write novel, the second year I studied in Women’s Normal School./ It was on my second year in the women’s normal school that I started to write a novel, when I was just fifteen years old.等。原文固然是三句，但根据英文形合的特点，可用介词、代词等连成一句，如：I began to write novels in my second year at the Female Teachers School when I was just fifteen years old.
[2] 中，“同乡”是一个很宽泛的概念，可指来自同一个村、县城、省市的认识或不认识的人，英文可有countrymen、fellow、fellow townsman等，鉴于作者那时是个小学生，可译为fellow student；“丫头”是那时做佣人女孩子的一种称呼，可为 servant girl; 对于“面黄肌瘦，身材短小，满脸现着泪痕”不宜“一一对应”，如who had a thin face, a short figure and tears all over her face / She was short and slight in build, with a tear-stained face that showed an air of sickness 等，而可概述为 She was small, thin, emaciated with sallow complexion; 而“非常惹人怜爱” 似不必单句译成but her a pair of big, black eyes were very affectionate / attractive , 而可与前面“大眼睛”相结合，译成bigadorable black eyes。故此，整句不妨译为：One day, I, together with my two primary school classmates, went to a fellow student’s home to eat. The hostess, a teacher’s wife, had just bought a 13-year-old servant girl. She was small, thin, emaciated with sallow complexion but a pair of big adorable black eyes.
[3]中，比较典型的参赛译文，如As the wife of a division commander, the hostess ordered the girl to walk for us guests to see whether the way the girl walk match her family status before we criticizing on that. / The hostess was a teacher’s wife in Woman’s Normal School. She orders the girl to show us her position to walk. Then asked us to judge the girl’ s position of her gait. Therefore, we can judge the girl is available or not to be a mad in the residence of hostess’s house. / The hostess, the teacher's wife, ordered the girl to walk and show us. Moreover, she asked us to criticize her every move and gesture, whether it was suitable for a girl of the master's residence. 等，意思似乎译出来了，但某些词语和表述不够准确（下划线标出）。其中，“师长”是旧时教师的尊称，“师长太太”（a teacher’s wife）已在前面译出, 此处可省略，“走路给我们看”就是摆posture; “是否合于”，即是否符合……的标准，而这里的“批评”不是一般意义上的criticize, 且宜结合下面的内容译出。故此，该句不妨译为 The hostess ordered her to walk and posture to show us whether she fit the criteria to be a girl serving in the teacher’s mansion.
[4] 中，其中有些语意、语气的转合。对于“将视线集中在……身上”参赛者一般译成The two classmates really focused on the girl / the two classmates actually put their eyes on her / those two classmates of mine did fix their eyes upon the girl 等，固然没有错，但根据上文说的“批评”，此处应有所体现，即可意译为 In forming their judgment, 以产生语境上的衔接；“把人当做畜生看”，不宜照字面意思译成looked at people as animals、treat people as animals / I hated the hostess for being so inhuman that she treated people like animals / I held an intense grudge against the inhumanity of the hostess who went so far as to regard human as brutes 等，而可通述为treating people with indignity, 在句子中作主语， “我当时气得饭也吃不下”，是对比她同学的态度而言的，可用verb + object + adjective — that的句式译出： … made me so angry that I found it difficult to eat anything; “借故”，可另起一句为On an excuse; “刹那的印象” ，一般译成了Momentary Impression / The sudden impression /Impression of the Moment，而 flash 在此似更确切，该词的本义为a sudden brilliant understanding。故此段不妨译为：In forming their judgment, my two classmates mainly concentrated on the girl’s body; my eyes, however, burned with a flame for the injustice. I hated the hostess, and her inhuman way of treating people with indignity made me so angry that I found it difficult to eat anything. On an excuse, I went back to school and immediately wrote a piece of work entitled The Flash on My Mind.
总之，翻译中词语的选择和句式的表述，既要尊重字典上的涵义，又要根据具体语境作灵活的变通。
参考译文
How I Start to Write
[1] I began to write novels in my second year at the Female Teachers School when I was just fifteen years old.
[2] One day, I, together with my two primary school classmates, went to a fellow student’s home to eat. The hostess, a teacher’s wife, had just bought a 13-year-old servant girl. She was small, thin, emaciated with sallow complexion but a pair of big adorable black eyes.
[3] The hostess ordered her to walk and posture to show us whether she fit the criteria to be a girl serving in the teacher’s mansion.
[4] In forming their judgment, my two classmates mainly concentrated on the girl’s body; my eyes, however, burned with a flame for the injustice. I hated the hostess, and her inhuman way of treating people with indignity made me so angry that I found it difficult to eat anything. On an excuse, I went back to school and immediately wrote a piece of work entitled The Flash on My Mind.
